I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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