I murdered the dance floor call the cops
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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