what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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