I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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