she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
