She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Drunk is not a location!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
