Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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