I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
