So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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