omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
