just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
