Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
