I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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