Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
