Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
