I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
