...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
