Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
