yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
