I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
dude i'm inner monologue high
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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