dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
