Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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