I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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