She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize