I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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