I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
