Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
