I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize