just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
