There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
