OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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