i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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