waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
i believe in u and ur pee
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