i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
