Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
it's like heaven, but drunker
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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