dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Rumble strips road head = magical
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
