don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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