So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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