Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
