Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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