I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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