I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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