I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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