This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
