I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
