so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
