He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
