Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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