I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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