eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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