No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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