made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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