If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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