hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
