how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
