there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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