sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
