you're like a bully in the Christmas story
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Enjoy the penises
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
