i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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