Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
