Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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